YouTube Transcription: Eddie Izzard returns!

In 2014 I posted a YouTube transcription of an Eddie Izzard monologue about Darth Vader starting a fight in a canteen (private restaurant). Please see that here before you watch this video, because it is a continuance of the scene.

Eddie Izzard finds comedy in the most unusual of places and situations; he really is unique. Nowadays, he doesn’t do much comedy because he is a Labour Party politician. This video includes two other very talented comedians, the last being Trevor Noah of the US programme The Daily Show.

Starting at 27:28 (as always, the automatic captions are not bad, but not perfect)

We want God to sound like this: “I am God. I have been away for many thousands of years, and now I have returned… and I have taken up scuba diving. But now I am hungry; I must go down to the canteen to have something to eat. Good woman, what food do you have in this canteen?”
“We have lots of food in the canteen tonight, we’ve got Salad Nicoise, all the way from Nice; we have Chicken Caesar Salad, made properly with chickens and dictators, and you can have potatoes with it; we have sausage, egg and chips, and the enigma variations thereof; and we have Spaghetti Carbonara, made entirely from carbon.”
“Very good. Will I need a tray?”
“No, you do not need a tray. Trays have been banned in this canteen. There was a huge fight many years ago where people were ‘panging’ people in the face, and used the edge bit as well, and the blood did flow upon the carpet. The night was only saved by Mr Stevens, Head Of Catering, who came out and took a tray from the pile but it was wet and it fell from his hands, and he took a second tray, and that was wet and it fell out of his hands, and a third tray which also fell… and a fourth… and then he nailed one to his hands, with which he went pang, pang, pang, and many people were panged that day. And even now we sing songs about Mr Stevens.”
“Such as…?”
“Such as ‘Mr stevens, he fought like two demons on that day with a tray in his hand. He did hit people in the face with a tray and the edge bit, sometimes. And he went pang, pang, and he went pang, pang…’ ”
“So I don’t need a tray?”
“No, you don’t need a tray.”
“I will have the Spaghetti a la Carbonara.”
“That’s actually saved for Lord Vader, I’m afraid.”
“Do you know who I am?”
“I don’t know… Roger the diving instructor?”
“I am God, the chosen one… the self-choosing chosen one, the big cheese, the big kahuna. Have you heard of the Big Bang? I said ‘Go!”
“Alright, I’ll put your name on it, all right? In case he doesn’t come in. What’s your first name, God?”
“My first name is Steve.”
“Oh, look. Here’s Lord Vader.”
“Who are you?”
“I am God. Who are you?”
“I am Vader. That is my Spaghetti Carbonara.”
Says you. You and whose army?”
It’s all kicking off. Mr Stevens, Head Of Catering, thank God you’re here!”
Pang, pang, pang. “What the bloody hell are you doing?”
“He stole my Spaghetti Carbonara!”
If only life was really like that!

Expressions used:

“Pang” is an onomatopoeia that Izzard chose to sound like a metal tray hitting somebody.
“did flow” rather than “flowed” is used to sound biblical (in the style of the Bible)
“big cheese” and “big kahuna” are both meaning “big shot”, or someone who is powerful and influential.
“Says you” means your words have no power or impact
“You and whose army?” means that you need an army to beat me
“It’s all kicking off” means that trouble has started, usually with voilence

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