YouTube Transcription #31 Ricky Gervais

This is the voice of Ricky Gervais to the video made by the Talking Animals YouTube Channel.

I’ve got things to say, as much to say as the next bloke. Even more than the next bloke. But do they listen to me? No, they don’t, and I’ll tell you why they don’t. It’s because of this hair of mine. I mean, look at it! Can you blame them? Would you take this seriously? I mean, look at that bit, right there. Can you get that? Can you see it? That never points the same way twice. Yesterday it was pointing back; today it’s pointing forwards. And people are rude about it.  I’ll give you an example. I tried vlogging. Ah, that was a disaster! Here are some of the comments I got on the vlogs. “Nice hair, you utter loser!” Oh, another one: “I didn’t know Donald Trump’s hair could talk!” “In mother Russia guinea pig hair combs you,” I didn’t even get that one. Here’s another one: “Hair fail!” Straight to the point. It was all brutal, so do you know what I did? Shall I tell you? Do you want to know, do you want to know? Shall I tell you? Shall I tell you? Do you want, do you want to, it’s brilliant! I’ll tell you what I did. I downloaded an app. Do you want to know what it’s called? It’s called Just Saying. You know what it can do? You want to know it solves my problem? It lets people on Twitter hear my voice. I record what I want to say, and people on Twitter get to hear my voice, but I don’t have to show my face. I’ve got, like, two thousand followers.

Man: Two thousand? That’s not too bad. I heard that Ricky Gervais guy has got millions.

What? Oh, the utter ******… So is that it? This is a paid endorsement, right? I’ve mentioned the product several times. Who’s got my cheque? Have you got my money? Have you got it handy? Or if you haven’t got it I’ll do it for a carrot. If you’ve got a carrot we’ll settle now. No lawyers, no cheques, no agency fees – just a carrot. Have you got a carrot? You must have a carrot. I really want a carrot now. Someone’s “squeezed out a tribble” (not a normal expression). “You’re an absolute piece of **** you useless **** ****. Oh, that’s not very nice. Here’s another one: “I can has hairbrush,” well that’s not proper grammar. Who talks like that? Ridiculous. Erm, how does he type with those little hands?” Well I can type fine, I just can’t do my hair, that’s the point. I’ve got a big head, I’ve got small hands. You do the math. I mean do some of these people type with their feet? I literally can’t read that. I mean, learn to type! “Can’t stop looking at his little whiskers.” Oh, that’s quite nice. “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Some great fluffy thing.” That’s not even a proper joke, is it? That’s not a joke, Erm…

Expressions used
“As much as the next bloke/man/person” means as much as anyone else.
“Vlog” is video blog.
“I don’t get that” means “I don’t understand it”.
“Cheque” is British English for American “check” – a paper payment.
“You do the math” means you should try to figure it out for yourself; there’s no need for me to explain.
“Knock knock” is an old and popular joke form. For example:
A: Knock, knock.
B: Who’s there?
A: Isabelle.
A: Isabelle who?
B: Is a bell necessary on a bike?