YouTube Transcription #3 Eddie Izzard

This is a short extract from one of my favourite British comedians Eddie Izzard. He finds comedy in the most unusual situations.
This excerpt from one of his stand up shows starts at 2:17

2:17 – There must have been a Deathstar canteen yeah? There must have been a cafeteria downstairs. In between battles, where they could just chill and go down.

Darth Vader: I will have the  penne alla arrabiata.
Cafeteria staff: You’ll need a tray.
Vader: Do you know who I am?
Staff: Do you know who I am?
Vader: This is not a game of “Who the **** are you”! I am Vader, Darth Vader, Lord Vader. I can kill you with a single thought.
Staff: Well you’ll still need a tray.
Vader:  No I will not need a tray. I do not need a tray to kill you. I can kill you without a tray, with the power of the force, which is strong within me, even though I could kill you with a tray if I so wished, for I would hack at your neck with the thin bit until the blood flowed across the canteen floor…
Staff: No, the food is hot. You’ll need a tray to put the food on.
Vader: Oh, I see. The food is hot. I’m sorry, I did not realise, ha, ha, ha. Oh, a tray for the… yes, I thought you were challenging me to a fight to the death.
Staff: Fight to the death? I… this is the canteen, I work here…
Vader: Yes, but I am Vader, Lord Vader. Everyone challenges me to a fight to the death. Lord Vader, Darth Vader? I’m Vader? Sir Lord Vader? Sir Lord Darth Vader? Sir Lord Vader of Cheem? Sir Lord Baron von Vaderheim? The Deathstar? I run the Deathstar?
Staff: What’s the Deathstar?
Vader: This is the Deathstar, you’re in the Deathstar. I run this Deathstar.
Staff: This is a star?
Vader: This is a ****ing star; I run it! I am your boss.
Staff: You’re Mr Stevens?
Vader: No, I’m… who is Mr Stevens?
Staff: He’s head of catering.
Vader: I’m not head of catering! I am Vader. I can kill catering with a thought.
Staff: What?
Vader: I can kill you all. I can kill me with a thought. Just… I’ll get a tray, **** it. This one’s wet. This one’s wet. This one is wet (etc.). Have you dried these in a rain-forest? Why, with the power of the Deathstar, can we not have a tray that is ****ing dry? No, no, no. I was here first.
Customer: You have to form a queue if you want food. Er, can I have a penne alla arrabiata? That would be very nice.
Vader: No. Do you know who I am?
Staff: That’s Jeff Vader, that is.
Vader: I am not Jeff Vader, I am Darth Vader.
Customer: What Jeff Vader, who runs the Deathstar?
Vader: No, Jeff… no I run the Deathstar.
Customer: Are you Jeff vader?
Vader: No, I am Darth Vader.
Customer: Are you his brother? Can you get his autograph?
Vader: No, I can’t get his…I, Jeff… alright, I’m Jeff Vader. I’m Jeff Vader.
Customer: Can I have your autograph?
Vader: No,  *** off or I’ll kill you with a tray! Give me  penne alla arrabiata or you shall die, and everyone in this canteen. Death by tray, it shall be!
Staff: Whoah! Do you want peas with that?
Vader: Peas? You don’t have peas! You can’t put red with… you can’t put… it doesn’t work with penne. You don’t put… unless you push them up the penne tubes and then it’d be weird. Oh, alright, put some peas on.


Eddie Izzard performs standup comedy in English, French and German, and plans to run for Mayor of London in 2020.