YouTube transcription #86 The Daily Show

The big question is “Whose advice would Donald Trump take?”
Who are you consulting with consistently so that you’re ready on day 1?
I’m speaking with myself, number 1, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things. My primary consultant is myself, and I have, you know, I have a good instinct.
Consulting himself might actually work for Donald Trump, because, you see, good presidents hire advisers who disagree with them, to challenge their thinking, and no-one disagrees with Donald Trump more than Donald Trump. And so you ask the question “What would Donald Trump’s cabinet be?” Well we think it would look like this:
Hello, folks.
Good morning.
So, today we’re going to be discussing women’s health issues. Good. Go ahead.
I’m, I’m very pro-choice.
Well I’m pro-life.
You know I’ve had something on my mind… nuclear proliferation.
I hate proliferation. I hate nuclear more than any. My uncle was a professor at MIT. He used to tell me about nuclear…
Wouldn’t you rather have, in a certain sense, have Japan have nuclear weapons when North Korea has nuclear weapons?
Next about foreign policy.
China, China…
Gaddafi in Libya is killing thousands of people. Go into Libya, knock this guy out very quickly.
I disagree totally. We would be so much better off if Gaddafi were in charge right now.
I love Mexican people. The Hispanics love me.
I will build a wall. This is a wall that’s going to work.
I don’t know how people make it on $7.25 an hour. Now, with that being said, I would like to see an increase of some magnitude.
Wrong! Wages too high. I hate to say it, but we have to leave it the way it is.
We’re gonna build a wall!
It’s very easy to be presidential.
I told you, I went to the Warden School of Finance. I was like, I’m like a really smart person.
All I know is what’s on the Internet.
This is a wall that’s a heck of a lot higher than the ceiling you’re looking at.
China. I love China.
I’d drop a 25% tax on China. Listen, you mother f***ers, we’re gonna tax you!
This guy used a filthy, disgusting word. He should be ashamed of himself and he should apologise.
…
Come on fellas. We are going to make America great again.

Expressions used:

“Pro-life” means “anti-abortion”
“Pro-choice” means “pro-choice of abortion”
I don’t know how people make it means “I don’t know how people survive”