English comedy – Monty Python

English-language Comedy
#1 Cheese Shop by Monty Python
Monty Python was a team of five Oxford University graduates. They were the first of the Oxford/Cambridge comedy clubs to become nationally popular.
They often juxtaposed daily situations with the absurd. In the Cheese Shop (1972) we see a man walk into a cheese shop where two English businessmen are dancing a traditional Greek dance to a bouzouki… for no apparent reason. This is irrelevant to the story of the sketch, except that he says the music is welcome… until he becomes angry and suddenly shouts at the bouzouki player to shut up.
One of Monty Python’s specialties is their reliance on memory. They like to list things in an impressive series of sentences. In this case it is types of cheese, memorized by John Cleese and supported by Michael Palin, who both went on separately to be very successful both in the UK and in the US. It has been performed live on stage without errors!
I particularly like how Palin makes so many excuses for a particular type of cheese being out of stock, always with an impossibly cheerful smile on his face.

Below is a transcription I found on the internet. I have checked and corrected it but I haven’t checked the cheese type spellings!
Owner: Morning, Sir.
Customer: Morning. I was, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through “Rogue Herries” by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
O: “Peckish”, sir?
C: Esurient.
O: Eh?
C: Eee, I were all ‘ungry-like! (in a overly stereotypical northern accent)
O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell. So I thought to myself, “a little fermented curd will do the trick,” so, I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some cheese.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the music.
C: Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: I like a nice dance, you’re forced too.
Somebody: Anyway…
O: Who said that?
C: Now my good man, some cheese please.
O: Yes, Certainly, sir. What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little Red Leicester?
O: I’m, afraid we’re fresh out of Red Leicester, sir.
C: Never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
O: Never at the end of the week, sir, we always get it fresh first thing on Monday.
C: Tish tish. No matter. Well, four ounces of Caerphilly then , if you please, stout yeoman.
O: Ah, well it’s been on order, for two weeks, sir. I Was expecting it this morning…
C: Yes, it’s not my day, is it? Err, Bel Paese?
O: Sorry.
C: Red Windsor?
O: Normally, sir, yes. But today the van broke down.
C: Ah. Stilton?
O: Sorry.
C: Gruyere? Ementhal?
O: No.
C: Any Norweigan Jarlsburger.
O: No.
C: Lipta?
O: No.
C: Lancashire?
O: No.
C: White Stilton?
O: No.
C: Danish Blue?
O: No.
C: Double Gloucester?
O: No.
C: Cheshire?
O: No.
C: Dorset Bluveny?
O: No.
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bruson, Bres Bleu, Pell de Champagne, Camenbert?
O: Ah! We do have some Camenbert!
C: You do! Excellent!
O: It’s a… bit runny, sir.
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well, as a matter of fact it’s very runny, sir.
C: No matter. No matter. Hand over la fromage de la belle France, qui s’appelle Camenbert, s’il vous plait.
O: I think it’s runnier than you’ll like it, sir.
C: I don’t care how excrementally runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Yes, sir. Oooooooooohhh……..!
C: What?
O: The cat’s eaten it.
C: Has he?
O: She, sir.
C: Gouda?
O: No.
C: Edam?
O: No.
C: Case Ness?
O: No.
C: Smoked Austrian?
O: No.
C: Sage Darby?
O: No, sir.
C: You do have some cheese, do you?
O: Certainly, sir. It’s a cheese shop, sir. We’ve got…
C: No no… don’t tell me. I’m keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Wensleydale.
O: Yes sir?
C: Splendid! Well, I’ll have some of that then please!
O: Oh! I’m sorry, sir. I thought you were referring to me, Mr Wensleydale.
C: Aah, Gorgonzola?
O: No
C: Parmesan,
O: No
C: Mozarella,
O: No
C: Paper Cramer,
O: No
C: Any Danish Finberg,
O: No
C: Czechoslovakian Sheep’s Milk Cheese,
O: No
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
O: Not today, sir, no.
C: Well, let’s keep it simple. How about Cheddar?
O: Well I’m afraid we don’t get much call for it around these parts, sir.
C: Not much ca… it’s the single most popular cheese in the world!
O: Not round these parts, sir.
C: And, pray, what is the most popular cheese round these parts?
O: Illchester, sir.
C: I see.
O: Yes, sir, it’s quite staggeringly popular in the manorsquire.
C: Is it?
O: Yes, sir. It’s our number one seller.
C: Is it?
O: Yes, sir.
C: Illchester, eh?
O: Right.
C: Okay, I’m game. ‘Have you got any?’ he asked, expecting the answer ‘No’.
O: I’ll have a look, sir… nnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It’s not much of a cheese shop, really, is it?
O: Finest in the district, sir!
C: And what leads you to that conclusion?
O: Well, it’s so clean.
C: Well, it’s certainly uncontaminated by cheese.
O: You haven’t asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Is it worth it?
O: Could be….
C: OK. Have you –WILL YOU SHUT THAT BLOODY DANCING UP!
O: Told you so….
C: Have you got any Limburger?
O: No.
C: No, that figures. That was pretty predictable, really. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me something… do you have any cheese here at all?
O: Yes, sir.
C: Now, I’m going to ask you that question once more, and if you say “no” I’m going to shoot you through the head. Now, do you have any cheese at all?
O: No.
C: What a senseless waste of human life.