OFAH: Del’s Deal

So… Del-boy, Rodney and their granddad have been arrested for receiving stolen goods. The police officer, being a local man, is very familiar with Del-boy, and they have a long history together.

Slater (Police Officer): I’ll get the charge sheet typed up.
Del: Just a minute, Roy. You know, let’s not be hasty. I think we can make a deal. (deal=agreement)
Slater: I don’t like deals.
Del: You’re gonna like this one. I’ll give you the name of the bloke that stole that oven. Let Rodney and Granddad go, no charges. (bloke=man)
Slater: Yeah, alright, I’ll let them go.
Del: And you’ll also drop all charges against me.
Slater: Oh, come on, Del. I’m looking forward to that.
Del: You don’t seem to understand what I’m saying, Slater. Once I give you the bloke’s name, I’ll be one of your grasses. (grass=informer, snitch)
Slater: Oh Del, Del-boy. That is beautiful! You would be one of my merry men! I’ll have you in my pocket, I could bounce you about and make you dance whenever I felt bored. And if you ever stepped out of line I’d let it be know on the streets that you’re an informer. (have s/o in your pocket=you have full control over that person)
Del: Yeah, I know!
Slater: The deal is on, my old oppo. I’ll drop the charges against you, you have my word. (The deal is on=the agreement has been finalised, oppo=opponent, my word=my promise)
Del: Your word? Your word means about as much to me as the guarantee on that hookie microwave. Now, I want immunity from prosecution, and I want it in writing, and I want it signed, sealed and delivered. (Hookie=stolen)
Slater: I’ll get it arranged right away Derek. We are going to have a good future together, me and you, I can feel it. There you are, Del-boy, your immunity from prosecution, signed by the superintendent himself.
Rodney: What are you playing at, Del? (=What are you doing?)
Del: What are they doing here?
Slater: Oh, I thought it’d be interesting for them to see you in your real light: The great Del-boy, the man who could talk his way out of a room with no doors, reduced to this, grassing. (real light=true, actual character)
Del: I gotta tel you, Rodney… he’s got me all ends up. I’ve got no choice. (Those two sentences mean the same thing)
Granddad: But you don’t know his name, Del. He was just a bloke in the market.
Del: Leave it out, Granddad. If Mr Slater was to believe our descriptions, he’d have his men searching for someone who was a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant! (Leave it out=stop lying)
Slater: With a deaf aid.
Del: With a deaf aid. Rodney, I wasn’t doing it just for myself. He threatened to plant something on you and set you up for a bit of bird. (plant=illicitly put an illegal item on somebody’s property, bird=prison sentence)
Rodney: That is against the law!
Slater: Phone the police!
Rodney: Don’t tell him, Del.
Del: I’ve got to, Rodney. Otherwise it’ll be you and me will go down the road, and Granddad’s gonna left alone on the estate, see? I(‘ve) got no choice. I(‘ve) got no choice. Alright, Mr Slater, let’s get down to business. (Down the road=to prison, estate=government-run housing area)
Slater: Oh Del. Del-boy, those words are music to my ears. I will cherish this moment. Right-o, Del. Who nicked it? (Right-o=alright)
Del: They are free to go, ain’t they? (ain’t=aren’t/isn’t)
Slater: Yeah, they’re free to go, no charges. They can leave when they like. OK, give me his name.
Del: You’ve got nothing on me, either?
Slater: No, you’ve got an immunity from prosecution. You’ve got less chance of a (??) than the queen!
Del: Yes, I know.
Slater: Right, for the third and last time of asking: Who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry? (nick=steal)
Del: I did!