YouTube Transcription #25 Red Dwarf

Red Dwarf is a TV series about a spaceship in deep space, crewed only by:
(Left to right in the photo) Lister (the last surviving human), Rimmer (a hologram), Cat (a life-form descended from cats) and Kryten (a ‘mechanoid’, a kind of android/robot).

Rimmer: Scanners report a battle-class cruiser on intercept.
Kryten: It’s rogue simulants alright. (‘simulants’ are a man-made artificial life-form)
Rimmer: Recommend immediate, total and unequivocal surrender.
Kryten: Sir, surrender is the worst thing we can do. They despise humans and all forms of humanoid life. (‘humanoid’ is like a human) They believe yo to be the vermin of the universe, sir.
Cat: I didn’t even know they’d met him.
Kryten: Getting a message. Punching it up.
Simulant: State your species and purpose.
Rimmer: One of us will have to speak to them. Who’s the least human-looking? Listy (Lister), the mic’s all yours.
Lister: Wait a minute, I’ve got an idea. Stall them with static. Kryten, mid-section. Cat, you too.
Simulant: Why do you delay? State your species and purpose. You have one minute.
Rimmer: Lister, what the hell are you doing?
Lister: Wait a minute, we’re nearly ready. OK, stand by to transmit.
Simulant: Incoming.
Lister: I am “Tarka Dhal”(A kind of curry), ambassador to the great Vindaloovian Empire (vindaloo is a kind of curry).
Simulant: Scanners reported human life on your vessel. Is this so?
Lister: Humans? The Vindaloovian people despise all humans. They are the vermin of the universe. Is that not right, Bindi Bhaji? (Another kind of curry)
Cat: You bet. We hate them. Scum, scum, scum, scum, scum.
Lister: The Vindaloovian Empire has pledged to exterminate them all. We won’t rest until our task is completed.
Rimmer: Er, Lister…
Lister: Hi.
Cat: How’s it going, bud?
Simulant: Human, and a humanoid, hologrammatical human, mechanoid who is a slave to humans. I had hoped for so much more.
Rimmer: I’ve no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war, ergo we surrender. And as prisoners of war, I invoke the All-Nations Agreement, Article Number 39436175880932/B.
Kryten: 39436175880932/B? “All nations attending the conference are only allocated one car-parking space”? Is that entirely relevant, sir? I mean here we are, in mortal danger, and you’re worried about the Chinese delegates bringing two cars!
Rimmer: Can’t you let just one go? I was talking about the right of POWs to non-violent constraint.
Kryten: Well that’s 75880932/C, sir.
Rimmer: It’s embarrassing, as much as anything else. Here you are, totally humiliating me in front of this xenophobic, genocidal maniac, no offense.

Expressions used:

“Stall them” means to delay, to give us some time to prepare.
“What the hell” – adding “the hell” to questions words (what, why etc) gives extra emphasis.
“Vessel” is spaceship, ship or airplane.
“You bet” (difficult to hear in the video) means “That’s right”.
“Bud” is an American term meaning “friend”. For some reason the Cat always speaks with an American dialect, though the story is British and the actors are British. I think it is because the Cat is meant to be cool, and British think that a British accent isn’t cool.
“I think everyone is familiar with “Let it go”! This means don’t worry about it, ignore it. Kryten doesn’t understand human lying, sarcasm, errors etc. He thinks everything is literal. He always takes note of Rimmer’s errors.
People say “No offense” at the end of a sentence which contains something which was obviously offensive. For example, “English food is all bad, no offense.” It is similar to “I’m not racist but…” If the listener hasn’t been offended by the sentence, they can reply to “No offense” with “Non taken,” though we also say this ironically even if we were offended! The key is in the intonation. Sometimes, if a person says an offensive sentence but doesn’t say “No offense”, we sometimes say “Non taken” as sarcasm. For example – Somebody: “Kevin’s guitar playing isn’t exactly in the Clapton league.” Kevin: “Non taken!”