YouTube Transcription #45 Coupling

Jeff: Same again, please. Aah! You can read! I mean you are reading, sorry. It’s nice to see people reading. Not a lot of people read these days. People prefer to, erm, hear. But all this “hearing” is just reading for lazy people. Kids these days should be prepared to pick up a book, and not just go around the whole time with these… modern… ears. sometimes I just want to rip people’s ears off and say, “Read a book, for God’s sake!” Well, actually I’d probably say “Read a book” first and then rip their ears off otherwise they wouldn’t hear me, ha, ha, ha. Actually, I probably wouldn’t rip their ears off at all; I’m not a violent person. I like ears, especially women ears, they’re my favourite. I don’t mean I collect them, or anything, I mean I don’t have a big bucket of women ears hidden away somewhere. No, no, no, I’m not after your ears really. Not that there’s anything wrong with your ears. You know, if I was some kind of mad ear person, your ears would be the pride of my… erm… ear bucket. Oh, my God!
I’ve forgotten how to understand English! I hate it when that happens!
Woman: She’s from Israel, she speaks Hebrew.
So sorry I exist! Men get so disappointed when the flat-chested friend turns up.
Jeff: Well, that’s a bit unfair. It’s hardly your fault.
Woman: Thank you!
Jeff: So she doesn’t understand a word I’ve been saying.
Woman: No!
Jeff: Result!!!

Expressions used: “I’m not after…” means “I don’t want to get/have…” for example, “I’m after a vintage Porsche.”
“I hate it when that happens,” suggests that he has forgotten how to understand English in the past. Jeff is famous for never being able to talk to women successfully.
We sometimes use “hardly” when we actually mean “not at all”, though I’m not sure why!
“So sorry” and “Thank you!” in this context are sarcasm.