YouTube Transcription #55 Trevor Noah

Noah: In the time that I’ve been here I’ve been following the presidential race, and I’ve noticed that a few pieces of conventional wisdom have formed around the candidates; none more than Donald Trump.
Newsreader: Six in ten Americans believe Trump is unqualified to serve as president.
Various: He’s not qualified to be president… Unfit to be president… unfit to be commander-in-chief… (??) writing that Trump is , quote, not only unfit to hold office but unfit to stand on the same stage as his republican opponents.
Noah: He’s unfit for that stage? No! That stage is unfit for Trump! There’s no marble, there’s no gold. Where are the women in bikinis? And how would he even get there? There’s no escalator, come on people! So, the complaints about Trump is that he’s unpresidential, and that stems from certain statements that he’s made.
Trump: When Mexico sends its people, they’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists, and some I assume are good people.
Noah: “And you know what they say – when you assume, you’re the best at assuming. Trump.” I know these comments about immigrants were upsetting to some people, but for me as an African, there’s just something familiar about Trump that makes me feel at home.
Zuma: The influx of illegal migrants… crime, unfair business practices, drugs… it is also not true that ALL foreign national are involved in criminal activities. There are some who are, but not all of them.
Noah: I love how we all waited… “Oh he’s not so… Oh!” That’s South African President Jacob Zuma sounding a lot like Donald Trump. You see, that’s a light xenophobia with just a dash of diplomacy, which is also the title of Paula Deen’s new book. So I don’t see what’s unpresidential about Donald Trump. I mean, here’s another thing he unnecessarily took heat for.
Trump: Autism has become an epidemic. A beautiful child went to have the vaccine, and came back, and a week later got a tremendous fever, got very very sick; now he’s autistic.
Noah: Now, was that factual? No. But was it presidential? Depends where you come from.
Newsreader: Gambian President Yahya Jameh says he can cure AIDS using herbs and bananas. He admits there will always be skeptics, but quote, mine is not an argument; mine is a proof. It’s a declaration. I can cure AIDS and I will.
Noah. That’s right. That is right. The president of Gambia says he can cure AIDS with bananas. “And I can also cure cancer using AIDS. If only hadn’t cured all that AIDS, aaah!” Crazy things that… better safe than sorry. What I’m trying to say is that Donald Trump is presidential; he just happens to be running on the wrong continent. (In face) In fact, once you realise that Trump is basically the perfect African president you start to notice the similarities everywhere, like the level of self-regard.
Trump: I say, nit in a braggadocios way, I’ve made millions and billions of dollars… I’ve made a tremendous amount of money… I’m really rich… I have a great temperament… they love me anyway; I don’t have to do this… I’ve done an amazing job… I was born a certain intellect… God helped me by giving me a certain brain…
Noah: I bet that’s the one time that God’s like “I don’t need the praise; it’s cool. I’m… that’s you. That’s you, I’m cool.
Now, is that extraordinary level of bragging presidential? Well let’s ask a man who actually was president: Idi Amin, former president, and best president of Uganda.
Amin: People like(s) me very much… I am very popular… I am very powerful… I am the one who has got the money… I have got a very good brain.
Noah: “I have a very good brain. And I know this because every time I ask people if I have a good brain they say, ‘Of course, Mr. President. Now please let my family go. You’ve already killed my sister; I think you’ve proved your point.'”
And just to make sure everyone knew exactly how successful he was, Idi Amin always insisted on being referred to my his full title, and this is completely true: His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Dr Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Seas and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular”. Luckily Idi Amin didn’t won any casinos (Trump’s name is on his buildings). In fact Trump is so African presidential he’s already at the level of Zimbabwe’s president, Robert Mugabe, whose brutality and oppressive tactics have kept him in power for thirty-five years.
Mugabe: My people have great praise for me.
Trump: People love me, everybody loves me.
Mugabe: The little man.
Trump: He’s very low energy.
Mugabe: Land is ours, it’s not European. It’s our land and we have taken it.
Trump: We’ll take our country back.
Mugabe: We will win. we will be winning all the time.
Trump: We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with winning.
Noah: I feel like I’m winning right now! Oh, it’s really great to know that if anything happens to Trump, we have a backup copy in Africa. I like that. Actually, now that I think about it, Trump reminds me of one Africa leader in particular. Weird hair? Check. Lavish lifestyle? Check. Fringe discredited views about President Obama’s origins?
Gaddafi: And along came a black citizen of Kenyan African origin, a Muslim. His name is Obama.
Noah: Check. Oh, and there’s one more thing.
Newsreader: Gaddafi put up a tent in the town of Bedford, about 45 miles outside of New York City. The property in Westchester County where they’re setting up that tent is owned by none other than Donald Trump.
Noah: Yeah, that’s right. When Muammar Gaddafi came to America he could have stayed in anywhere., but the only place he felt truly at home was in Donald Trump’s yard. Now, just by the way, our lawyers told us we have to mention that Trump told Gaddafi to take the tent down. You see you have to be careful what you say about Donald Trump in public; not unlike an African president. Now I understand that Trump is a little scary, a little exotic for some, a little out of America’s comfort zone, but this great country is capable of bold leaps. it took one in 2008 when it elected its first black president. Now in 2016 I say it’s time to be bold once more, and elect America’s first African president. And when that happens, when a true African finally enters the Oval Office, the people of Africa will erupt into songs of praise…. we don’t have a word for “Mexican rapists”.