YouTube Transcription #60 Morecambe and Wise

This is from 1974! Comedy in Britain was different then…

Magnus Magnusson is the real presenter of the real TV quiz Mastermind. The competitors are usually professors.

Magnusson: Hello, and welcome to the final heat of Mastermind. The end of our quest to find the mastermind of the United Kingdom, and the end of a long, intellectual trail for our two finalists. The rules are perfectly straightforward – anyone who cannot answer a question may pass, and then I go right on to the next question. The contestant with the fewest passes and the highest number of correct answers will be Mastermind 1974. And now let’s get right back to business, and may we have the first contestant, please. Your name, please.
Wise: Ernie Wise, Harrow University, Professor of English Literature.
Magnusson: Professor Wise, the final round is, as always, on general knowledge, and you have one minute on general knowledge questions starting… now. What is the funnel arrangement of a prairie locomotive?
Wise: Two-six-two.
Magnusson: Correct. When The Ring was given its first performance at Covent Garden in 1892, who was the conductor?
Wise: Mahler.
Magnusson: Correct: Charles Dodgson wrote a famous book. What is the name of the book and his pen name?
Wise: “Alice In Wonderland”, Lewis Carroll.
Magnusson: Correct. Who wrote “Old Meg She Was A Gypsy”?
Wise: Keats.
Magnusson: Correct. Noel Cowards’s play “Still Life” was made into a film under the title…
Wise: “Brief Encounter”.
Magnusson: Correct. Sergeant Troy is a character from the novel…
Wise: “Far From The Madding Crowd”.
Magnusson: Correct, by Thomas Hardy. They do say…
Wise: Edward Heath.
Magnusson: Correct. In 1954…
Wise: Roger Bannister.
Magnusson: Correct. Andrew Moore, dating back…
Wise: William Pitts.
Magnusson: Correct. It was said of this man…
Wise: Capability Brown.
Magnusson: Correct. And that brings us to the end of your round, Professor Wise. Let me look at the scoreboard. We see that you have scored…
Wise: Maximum ten points.
Magnusson: Yes.
Wise: I thought so.
Magnusson: Thank you, Professor Wise. May we have the next contestant, please?
Morecambe: Easy questions he asked you there, didn’t he?
Wise: Maximum ten points.
Morecambe: Tell you, lucky stabs in the dark.
Magnusson: Next contestant, please. Your name, please.
Morecambe: Eric Morecambe, Milverton Street School, Infants.
Magnusson: For the final round, as with your fellow finalist, is on general knowledge. Your general knowledge questions start… now. Can yo finish the following: “Little Bo Peep has lost her…”
Morecambe: Cardigan.
Magnusson: No, it was “lost her sheep”.
Morecambe: And what is a cardigan made from, sir?
Magnusson: Wool.
Morecambe: And do we get wool from sheep?
Magnusson: Yes, that’s correct.
Morecambe: Thank you, that’s one for me, please.
Wise: Just a minute!
Magnusson: Please remain seated, Professor Wise.
Morecambe: He’s not allowed to object, is he, sir?
Magnusson: Correct.
Morecambe: That’s another one for me. Put it on.
Wise: Wait a minute! He’s just got two marks, and he hasn’t answered a question right.
Magnusson: Mr. Wise, please try to remember where you are. Now, Mr. Morecambe, here is your next question. Who won the FA Cup in 1930?
Morecambe: Arsenal!
Wise: Wait a minute, that was an accident. That’s all wrong. That’s a flagrant disregard for the rules.
Magnusson: Professor Wise, please. As chairman, I’m the person who decides whether the rules are being disregarded or not. This contest will be conducted in a seemly and proper manner.
Morecambe: This isn’t a bingo hall, is it sir?
Magnusson: Too right!
Morececambe: “Two right”, that’s five altogether. Put them up.
Wise: I object.
Magnusson: One more outburst, Mr. Wise, and I may be forced to disqualify you. Now your next question, Mr. Morecambe. Can you tell me the name of Shylock’s wife?
Morecambe: Missus Shylock.
Wise: That wasn’t her name!
Morecambe: It must be Mrs. Shylock, if he’s Mr. Shylock…
Wise: But Mr. Magnusson didn’t mean that!
Magnusson: But technically, he is correct.
Morecambe: Correct. Put another one up for me.
Magnusson: Alright, let’s go onto the next question. In which coach does a queen travel when she opens Parliament?
Morecambe: The one used by the reigning monarch for the opening of Parliament.
Magnusson: No, it’s the Irish State Coach.
Morecambe: Yes but is that, sir, or is it not, the one used by the reigning monarch for the opening of Parliament?
Magnusson: Yes, that’s correct.
Morecombe: That’s another one, put it up.
Wise: He didn’t answer that question correctly.
Magnusson: Well, he did say it was the coach used by the reigning monarch. Now I really must accept that.
Wise: Yeah, but if he doesn’t know the right answer he should say “Pass”.
Magnusson: Professor Wise, I really must ask you, for the last time, to try to contain yourself. A man in your position ought to know better. Where did you say you taught?
Wise: Harrow University.
Morecambe: Did he say “Harrow University”?
Magnusson: That’s correct.
Morecambe: That’s another one, put it up.
Magnusson: Now, your next question on general knowledge. Mr. Morecambe…
Morecambe: Correct. Put that one up as well.
Wise: He didn’t answer that correctly either. He’s got nine marks, he should have said “pass”. He did not know the answer.
Magnusson: Yes, I take that point. Now look, Mr. Morecambe. I think that I must remind you that if you don’t know the answer to a particular question, you must say “pass”.
Morecambe: I fully understand. Next question, please.
Magnusson: Are you quite sure that you understand the rule?
Morecambe: Oh, yes. If I don’t know the answer, I say “pass”.
Magnusson: Correct. That’s it… put another one up.
Wise: Wait a minute! What sort of a game do you call this? Hard questions you asked me, and I gave you proper answers.
Morecombe: Listen. You got a mark every time he said “correct”. I should get a mark every time he says “correct”.
Magnusson: Will you please return to your seat, Professor Wise?
Wise: Yeah, but he’s level with me now. He’s level with me and he hasn’t answered a question correctly.
Magnusson: But there’s still one to go.
Morecambe: The decider!
Wise: Well let’s play by the rules, shall we?
Magnusson: Professor Wise, for the last time will you please return to your seat?
Wise: This is a rotten game!
Magnusson: Mr. Morecambe, because this is the final question, the question that is to decide who will be Mastermind of 1974, I must ask you once and for all to obey the rules and give a proper answer.
Morecambe: Ready when you are, pally.
Magnusson: Now, you do understand that if you cannot answer the question you must say “pass”.
Morecambe: I fully understand.
Magnusson: Alright. Here’s the deciding question, and it’s on geography. It descends from Landi Kotal, through Shinwari territory, to Nandi Karna. It is the most important route from Afghanistan to Pakistan. It’s the “Khyber what“?
Morecambe: Pass.
Magnusson: Khyber Pass, correct. Mr. Morecambe you are Mastermind 1974.
Wise: Wait a minute, this isn’t fair! Mr. McManus I’ll never watch you wrestle again!

Expressions used:
A “stab in the dark” is a random guess.
An “infant” school is for ages 5 to 7.
“Arsenal” is a football team, but it is also an escape swear word. This is a word that sounds similar to a bad swear word. For example, English people say, “Oh, flip!”
“Pally” is somewhat negative variation on “pal”, meaning “friend”. It’s like “buddy” in the US.
The final line is a joke on Ernie Wise mistaking Mr. Magnusson for a famous pro-wrestler of the time, Mick McManus.

I checked all the words used on Wikipedia, so I think they are all correct!