YouTube Transcription #69 Rhod Gilbert

Please don’t use the automatic closed captions on this video as they are NOT correct at all. The Google system can’t understand the Welsh accent!

from 0:03 to 4:40
I’m kind of ashamed of what I’m about to tell you but this is how I’ve improved. In the old days I used to write to companies, this is how petty I was, I would write to companies that irritated me. And I’m not talking about big annoyances, big things that we all rightfully get annoyed about, you know. I’m talking about the kind of low-level irritation that we all have a hundred times a day, and most of you probably just ignore; it just washes over you, right? I’ll give you an example… a few years ago I was having a bath… I’ve had one since. I was having a bath, right? On the side of the bath there was (were) two bottles of Imperial Leather shower gel. Right? They were different… one of them was called “Invigorate”, right? One of them was called “Relax”, and they were different colour bottles and different colour stuff inside them… but I was just lying in the bath and I can remember thinking, “Ah, I bet that’s the same s**t in those bottles.” You know that feeling? That feeling, I was just lying their thinking, “Oh, I suspect I may have been conned into buying two bottles of the same stuff through their clever marketing.” I’m sure many of you here have had that kind of low-level irritation and you got on with your lives, whereas I spent two-and-a-half hours writing to Imperial Leather. Why two-and-a-half hours? Because it’s not enough for me to go, “Hey, Imperial Leather, you b******s! I bet that’s the same s**t in those bottles!” Send. That would take ten seconds. That would be… that wouldn’t be so bad. I have to make my point in a kind of sarcastic… the word “clever dick” isn’t very often used these days… I would describe my letters and emails that I sent to companies as “clever dick”. I was trying to make my point in a sarcastic, clever-dick manner. I will read you a reply that I got from Imperial Leather. Right, this is… my girlfriend used to go bonkers about this, she’d come in and she’s go, “Who are you writing to now?” and I’d go, “Imperial Leather. Get out, it’s important!” “But it’s just shower gel, Rhod!” I’d be like, “Shut the door, it’s bloody important, shut up!” Two-and-a-half hours I did because I used to make s**t up“. Make s**t up, lie, whatever it was to make my point, just to score a petty little victory. I will read you the reply I got from Imperial Leather. It’ll give you some idea of the lengths I used to go to.
“Dear Mr. Gilbert,
Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear that our shower gels did not meet your expectations. However, given the unusual nature of your experiences, I thought I would clarify a few matters relating to our products.
It is true that we market our shower gels differently. Our ‘Invigorate’ shower gel is certainly intended for morning use. Its citrus notes and bright pack help you wake up and start the day. Conversely, our ‘Relax’ shower gel, with dark blue pack and lavender scent, fits a soothing end-of-day soak in the tub. In your email you say you accidentally got these two products mixed up.”
It’s as pathetic as it is amusing, you have to admit!
“In your email you say you accidentally got these two products mixed up, and used them at the wrong times of the day. I would like to assure you that using ‘Invigorate’ shower gel in the evening would not keep you up all night in the manner you described. ??? Nor would it induce the violent side effects you say you suffered.”
Just making s**t up, just to make a pathetic point.
“Similarly, mistakenly using our ‘Relax’ shower gel in the morning would not leave you feeling groggy all day. We are sorry you feel your wedding day was a right-off, and I sympathize with the intimate performance issues you experienced, on such an important occasion. It is simply not plausible that our shower gels were responsible…”

Expressions used:
it just washes over you – you are not affected by it
I bet – I strongly believe so
s**t – the word is used sometimes to mean “stuff” or “things”
go bonkers – get angry, get frustrated
make s**t up – lie
keep you up all night – prevent you from sleeping
right-off – total failure