YouTube transcription #79 Rowan Atkinson

Presenter: … Does God exist? And in particular, we direct this question to our guest, the very reverend Andy Simpson.
Simpson: Thanks a lot Angie. Yeah, my answer, ladies and gentlemen, is gonna be a predictably simple one – of course God exists; the proof is all around us. But I wanna open the…
Man: Ah, excuse me!
Presenter: A question from the audience.
Man: Erm, if there is a God up there controlling things, why does he allow people doing a good turn to get hurt?
Simpson: Ah, that old chestnut! Yeah. We’re all sinful, in a way, aren’t we?
Man: Speak for yourself, padre.
Simpson: But we will all ultimately be rewarded in heaven, and I think…
Man: Hang about! Let’s get down to cases. I got this opening a tin of cat food yesterday, ladies and gentlemen. Now I don’t even like the bloody moth-eaten thing, but I opened its tin of Canga Chunks and nearly cut my bloody finger off. Now, why?
Simpson: God really can’t be expected to watch over everyone who’s opening a tin of cat food. I’d like to raise the level of this discussion, and talk about Saint Paul, who started out…
Man: How is it a man could stab his wife eighty times with a meat cleaver and not even get a crease in his trousers, while I nearly cut my bloody finger off trying to save the cat from starvation? While there are other… other lazy… lazy people sitting on their arses in front of the telly watching Songs Of Praise? I can think, when they…
Simpson: Yes, well God gives us a choice, doesn’t he? I mean a choice to use our gifts wisely or foolishly.
Man: Oh, I see, I suppose it’s my fault, is it?
Simpson: I’m reminded of the Parable Of The Nine Virgins. Eight of them were wise, and used their tin openers diligently, but the ninth was a clumsy, loud-mouthed virgin who kept wittering on about her…
Man: Hang on! You’re making that up!
Simpson: There are six million cats in this country. How many tins of Canga Chunks would God have to watch over to make sure that nerks like you didn’t cut their fingers?
Presenter: I think the point here is that God can’t really be two places at once.
Simpson: Yes he can! He can! He’s omnipresent, for God’s sake! Look… God loves us all.
Man: Doesn’t seem to love me very much.
Simpson: Well, amazingly, he does! It’s me who can’t stand the sight of you, you…
Presenter: I think we might have exhausted this line of questioning. Erm, could we have the next question from the audience, please? Erm, it’s a Mister… yes, Mister Bentos from Cheltenham.
Man: Yes, that’s me. I’d like to ask, why don’t they have a key, like they do on tins of corned beef?

Expressions used
reverend – a title for church clegry, given before their name.
a good turn – a favour, helping somebody
that old chestnut – a cliché, an expression or question that is often said
Speak for yourself – means “You may be, but I’m not!”
padre – another term for a clergyman.
Hang about! / Hang on! – a British expression meaning “Wait a moment!”
moth-eaten – terms to describe something that looks tatty, unkempt
telly – British term for television
wittering – chattering an unnecessarily long time about something
nerk – fool
for God’s sake! – used after saying something the speaker feels is so obvious that it makes him frustrated to have to say it