YouTube transcription #95 “Sport Relief”

Sport Relief is a British charity that hold events every year in which famous sports personalities do various performances or special matches to raise money. This video stars former England and Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard, and well-known child actress Ramona Marquez. Marquez stars in a TV sitcom titled “Outnumbered”, and her on-screen family are all present in this video, along with Lampard’s then-fiancé (now wife) TV personality Christine Bleakley,  and also former Premier League referee Howard Webb.

Lampard: So what’s your name?
Karen: Karen. Will this take long?
Lampard: Erm, we should be on our way shortly. Are you a… are you a Chelsea fan?
Karen: No, I hate football. I just won this in a competition, and I wanted to be on telly. Also, it would look good on my CV.
Lampard: Oh, right.
Karen: Is this an important game?
Lampard: Yeah, yeah it is, yeah.
Karen: And are you feeling confident?
Lampard: Yes.
Karen: Right…
Lampard: Why’d you make that face?
Karen: No reason.
Karen’s mother: Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, she’s fine, and guess what? She’s got Frank Lampard!
Karen’s father: Frank Lampard! Great!
Mother: Yeah, she’s chatting away to him.
Father: She’s chatting to him?
Mother: Yeah.
Father: Well maybe keep an eye on that, you know, in case… she does that thing that she does.
Bleakley: Excuse me, excuse me.
Karen’s brother Jake: Excuse me. You’re Christine Bleakley, aren’t you?
Bleakley: Yes.
Jake: I’m a massive fan. Can I have your autograph, please?
Bleakley: Yes, of course. No problem.
Jake: To Jake, please. Thank you.
Father: Hi, I’m Pete. I’m also a big fan. We always voted for you on “Strictly“.
Bleakley: Thank you.
Karen’s brother Ben: Yeah. You and Ann Widdecombe, because Mum likes seeing Anton use her as a big floor mop.
Jake: Could you make one more to Dino, please?
Bleakley: Ok, yeah.
Jake: Thank you.
Father: So, you’re here supporting your other half?
Bleakley: I am.
Ben: Oh, Adrien Charles?
Bleakley: Oh, no. Adrien and I work together loads but we’re not married.
Father: Ben, Christine is engaged to Frank Lampard, who is a very lucky man, by the way.
Bleakley: Thank you.
Ben: Well he’s not that lucky. That goal against Germany was way over the line. Dad called the ref a nazi stooge.
Father: I, I I didn’t. I, erm…
Ben: Do you want to see him goose-stepping across the room?
Father: Ben!
Jake: Christine, can I have one more, please?
Karen: All I know is that last weekend I heard my Dad shouting that you had missed a goal that my granny could have scored.
Lampard: We all miss the occasional easy one.
Karen: Well it must have been really easy because my granny’s got a plastic hip.
Lampard: But we still won the game, and I made both goals.
Karen: Well that’s nothing to boast about. You just need a few bits of wood and a big net.
Lampard: No, no, no, I didn’t mean that.
Karen: Anyone could make a goal!
Lampard: No, I meant, you know…
karen: That’s just DIY.
Mother: Karen, try not to talk to Mr Lampard too much, because he’s trying to focus on the big game.
Karen: This is my Mum. She fancies you.
Mother: No I don’t! Oh, I’m so sorry. I’ve got some arnica in here.
Steward: Excuse me, madam…
Mother: Yes, I’m sorry. Karen, really, a lot of big game pressure.
Karen: Yeah, I know all about big game pressure. I play netball for the school.
Lampard: Football’s much harder than netball.
Father: Actually, this is a real coincidence, because my daughter is Frank’s mascot today.
Bleakley: Really? Oh, she won’t forget that in a hurry.
Father: No, and neither will he.
Jake: Christine, could I have two more, please? One to Mikey, with a “y”, and one to Josh.
Ben: Do you know what would make “Dancing On Ice” even better?
Bleakley: What would that be?
Father: You’re really great in that, by the way.
Bleakley: Thank you.
Ben: If they had like these really thin patches of ice that the skaters would have to avoid. So, like, they’re just skating along and suddenly they plummet through the ice like, “bang”! Or giant, angry walruses.
Karen: No, no, netball is so much harder than football, because in netball the net is really small and only just big enough to fit the ball through, whereas in football the net is like about twenty-thousand times bigger than the ball.
Lampard: It’s not twenty-…
Karen: The goals are huge. You should know, you made them.
Lampard: No, I don’t. I didn’t…
Karen: Also, in netball the net is really high up off the ground.
Lampard: It hasn’t got a huge goalie guarding it, has it?
Karen: Well, Amy Harrison is nearly six feet tall.
Ben: Or a polar bear…
Jake: Alright, call it six; play it safe.
Ben: … that, like, hunts the skaters across the ice. It’s what the TV people call “jeopardy”.
Father: Well stop her, Sue, you’ve gotta stop her!
Bleakley: I think a polar bear might, sort of, pose a few health and safety issues.
Father: Stop her!
Jake: Christine, now could I have five, please, to noone in particular?
Bleakley: Are you selling these?
Jake: Well, you see Christine, these are actually part of my business startup project for this term’s economics module.
Blakely: But you are selling them.
Jake: I can cut you in.
Father: Stop her!
Ben: Narwhals, spearing up through the ice at the skate off, maybe impaling someone.
Lampard: Look! Football is definitely harder than netball, isn’t it, lads?
Karen: Well of course you’d all say that.
Mother: Karen!
Karen: Have you ever even played netball?
Referee: I have. I’m quite good.
Mother: Karen, stop it!
Karen: But in netball…
Mother: Stop it!
Karen: Most footballers have nicknames, don’t they? Do you have one?
Lampard: No.
Karen: I’m sure my dad called you something, when you missed that goal. (It’ll) come to me in a second.
Jake: 70-30… 60-40.
Father: Not still!
Jake: Final offer…
Bleakley: No, I can’t do that.
Jake: Alright, 50-50.
Ben: Does frank ever get nervous before games?
Bleakley: Erm, yeah. Yeah, a bit.
Jake: What if I give a percentage to charity?
Bleakley: No, honestly, that…
Ben: When he gets nervous, does he throw up? Because that’s what I do when I get nervous.
Bleakley: Oh, right, ok.
Ben: I’m feeling a bit nervous now.
Bleakley: Right. Oh! There’s a friend of mine over there. I’ve just gotta go catch up on…
Jake: 60-40, and you can choose the charity.
Father: Excuse me, Christine. This is my wife. When Frank gets nervous, does a huge vein start throbbing behind his left ear?
Karen: What’s that armband? Is it a fashion thing?
Lampard: It means I’m captain.
Karen: So you’re in charge? Does that mean that if you lose, the newspapers will all blame you? Bet it does! Especially if you miss another easy one. They’ll probably stick your face on a picture of a vegetable.
Referee: Frank, the ref doesn’t have a mascot.
Lampard: He does now.
Karen: So you’re the ref.
Referee: Erm, yeah.
Karen: And are you feeling confident?
Gary Lineker (TV presenter): Ok, well putting aside Frank Lampard’s five missed penalties, what did you make of that extraordinary refereeing performance?
Co-presenter 1: Well, the man just went to pieces for some strange reason.
Co-presenter 2: It was incredible. He sent off seven players in the first 20 minutes, plus the Chelsea mascot. He then punches the fourth official, swallows his own whistle, and just to round the day off, his short fall down! It was abysmal!

Expressions used:

Strictly – “Strictly Come Dancing” is a TV show in which various celebrities compete in a dancing competition.

your other half – your boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancé/fiancée/husband/wife

granny – grandmother

made both goals – to “make a goal” means to assist in the scoring of a goal, to create the situation for somebody else to score a goal

netball – sport played by girls in schools in the UK, like a cross between basketball and handball

she won’t forget that in a hurry – it will be a memorable experience for her

Dancing On Ice – a TV show in which various celebrities with basic skating skills compete in a figure skating competition.

goalie – goalkeeper

play it safe – just in case, overestimate to avoid disappointment

cut you in – give you a percentage

skate off –  a “something off” is a competition to choose the best. An example is a bake off, in which people compete to bake the best cake.

catch up – chat with friends to hear the latest news, gossip

bet – the real meaning is to gamble with money, but it is used to mean that one is very confident about something. For example, “I bet it’s going to rain tomorrow”.

ref – referee

went to pieces – totally lost confidence, lost concentration, but only used in very extreme situations

to round the day off – After a list of problems, the final one, and usually the most extreme one. For example, “Yesterday I missed the train, then I realised I’d left my phone at home, and to round off the day I forgot an appointment.”