YouTube transcription #50 Ricky Gervais

I used to, er, think we evolved from apes, and Darwin’s Theory Of Evolution Through Natural selection seemed pretty watertight, but in doing research for this show, erm, I came across a theory, erm, that deviates from Darwin’s, and I believe that. I just found it in a dusty old book in a library; it’s called The Bible, and, er, Darwin was wrong. Erm, we didn’t evolve; God made us. Erm, so I just want to explain to you exactly how that happened. OK, the first book of Moses, commonly called Genesis. Start at the beginning. Erm, it’s a fairly big book, but Friday isn’t it? Lock the doors. It took me four years to get this platform, now they listen. Just think if I’d have blown it, just going door-to-door. Right, ok. erm, some of the things you’ll hear do sound a little bit far-fetched, I admit; I thought it was, but erm, then I found out that another name for the Bible is The Gospel, so it is all true, so luckily the clue is in the title. Ok. come on, come on, it’s the Bible. Ok, chapter one, “In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth…” Doesn’t go into detail. Erm, he doesn’t need to explain to you, you probably wouldn’t understand it because he’s got a massive brain and your is little, and you go, “What?” and he goes, “Don’t worry, just trust me. I did.” And also, if he explained it to you it would, like, ruin the enigma. Do you know what I mean? You’d go, “That’s amazing!” He’d just say, “It’s a trick,” and you’d go, “Oh.” So it’s like seeing… it’s like David Blaine did something and you go, “Oh, that is real magic!” and he’d go, “No, I’m just standing on one leg and lifting the other up. Easy!” So, he keeps his cards very close to his chest, God. Good luck to him, he can do what he wants; he can do anything, so he can do what he wants. Ok, here we go…

“In the beginning God created the Earth… and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was on the face of the deep…” Bit dark, he sorted that out. “And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.” Huh, isn’t that brilliant! Eh? Oh, come on, that’s amazing, he made… he made light up. Just… it was dark, there was nothing before. It’s not like he saw some on holiday and went, “That’ll be good back on Earth.” He made it up. Do you not… you’re… he invent… there was no… there was nothing to go by… it wasn’t like there was twilight and he went, “Let’s have that a bit brighter.” He…just went, “let there be light, and at the speed of light. He didn’t go, “Let there be light… come on, I’m busy! It’s the first day, I’ve got a lot to do. I’ve only got seven days.” It just… do you know what I mean? And he probably didn’t have to say it. He did say it but he could have gone… that’s exactly what I was thinking of, brilliant.” Do you know what I mean? Come on, he’s amazing! What are you… free you’re minds, listen, right? Ok, so he did the light, invented it, which means which means that he created the Heaven and the Earth in the dark! ****ing hell! How good is that? I’d have gone, “Right, let’s have a little bit of light in this place, we can see what we’re doing. Right… I need some planets… erm…” He went, “That’s everything, let’s have a look, brilliant!”

“And God saw the light, and saw that it was good.” Even though he says so himself. Well, no… well no, well it is good, but… just there’s pride in your work, then there’s arrogance. You know. We’d all like to write our own reviews… Ok, “And lo, Gervais was not only a handsome man but a funny ****er.” Maybe I’ll do my own, who knows? Anyway, he called the light “day”, he called the darkness “night”, that’s chapter 1, he did all those things. Chapter 2, he did “swarmy things that swarmeth, creepy things that creepeth,” all that. All the beasts of the field, made man – a different method here: he could have said, “Let there be man.” There would have been man, definitely, but, erm, he made him out of some dust, just because he can. “Are we gonna do that…oh right, done. That’s a man. What, do you want a woman?” “Are you gonna make her out of some dust?” “No – one of your ribs!” Just – “You can’t do that, ah!” Alright? So, brilliant. And, er, he made them and put them in the Garden Of Eden with all the animals, and they were both naked, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed. Ok, brilliant, he’s done well there. Erm, chapter 3, and I’m not… I’m not having a go at him because he’s brilliant, but in my humble opinion I think the snake was a mistake. Ok, chapter 3, his difficult third series. It’s gonna get criticised whatever, isn’t it? After all the good he did in 1 and 2. He should just leave it there. Chapter 3. Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field that the Lord God had made, and he said unto the woman… it’s a talking snake. Did I not… yeah. Oh, yeah. What you don’t believe he can make a talking snake? Are you having a laugh? Of course he can, he can do anything. Erm, and perfect diction as well. Not a mumbling snake. Why would he… he didn’t “I want to make a snake… oh ***ing hell he’s got a cleft palate. Why did I do that? Perfect. Again, “That’s how I wanted it.” Right, oooh… and it speaks English! Which is lucky for me because I’d be ****ed, I don’t speak another language, I did O-Level French but you don’ t need to speak French if you’re English. You don’t need to. Don’t… you know what I mean? You don’t… go to France… point, talk a little bit louder. If he still doesn’t understand what you’re saying smash the place up, secure in the knowledge that you tried your best. Don’t get me started on the French, don’t get me started. They know about animals; they ****ing eat most of them. I can have a go at the French, because I’m half French half English, with a stupid name like “Gervais”. No, I am, I’m half French, half English and er, I’ve got qualities of both, French and English, which is good, so, erm, I am **** in bed but at least I’ve got bad breath. Not as bad as the Swiss. I don’t want to get started. “Oh, we’re neutral. We don’t want to fight on either side.” Not really a loss, not having Switzerland on your side in a war, is it really? With their army – have you seen the little knives they carry? “Oh! Alright, back off, he’s got some tweezers!”

“And he said unto the woman, ‘Yay, hath God said you should not eat of every tree of the garden?’ And the woman turned to the serpent…” She’s talking back, she knows no better. “And the woman said unto the serpent, ‘We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden, but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden God hath said, “Ye shall not eat of it. Neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.”‘ Ans the serpent said unto the woman…” getting quite chatty now, “and the serpent said unto the woman, ‘Ye shall not surely die, for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.'” He’s saying, “Right, ok, it’s not strictly true, he’s pulling the wool over your eyes a bit there because he doesn’t want you to have this sort of knowledge, he doesn’t want you to lose your innocence, so you won’t die.” She believes the snake; she eats the apple. She gives it to Adam, and the snake’s right – they don’t die, but their eyes are opened and they’re embarrassed by their nakedness, and they cover themselves up. God comes along, he sees this – he’s furious! He goes, “What are you wearing clothes for in the Garden Of Eden?” and they go “Embarrassed, and that,” He goes, “What? Take them off,” “No.” “What? I was looking at them. I made them big so I could see them from heaven and now you’re… who told you about the apple?” She goes, “The snake,” stitched it right up! So God goes mental. And he’s firm but fair, he… don’t… if he loses his rag he can do anything. He starts handing out punishments. The punishment he gives to the man is that he’ll have to toil the field from now on; he won’t get manna from heaven. The punishment he gives to Eve, womankind, is that she’ll have terrible pain in childbirth. Erm, the punishment he gives to the snake, who ****ed up everything, remember, the punishment he gave to the snake was “You shall crawl on your belly all your days.” Not really a punishment for a snake. I bet it couldn’t believe its luck! Standing there going, “Oh no, I’m gonna be in ****ing trouble,” “And you, you have to crawl on your belly,” “But I already… oh no! Oh yeah, yeah you’ve done me, yeah. No, no, no we’re even now… that’s er… I asked for that, ok cheers, see you later. Oh how does this work again? Oh, ow, oh I’m being punished. Oh, this is rubbish, I wish I could fly like normal!” I don’t know why he put the snake there, particularly one that talks and blabs, do you know what I mean? Or don’t have the tree there, one or the other; it’s an accident waiting to happen, isn’t it? Where was he, by the way, when this was happening? He’s meant to be everywhere. When the snake came up to Eve and went, “See that…” why didn’t he go, “**** off, shut up, don’t listen to that. **** off. No, **********.” Just keep an eye on it. Make it all and then go to Eve, “Right, Eve, that apple, I wouldn’t lie, I’m God, it will kill you, oh and by the way, if a snake comes and talks to you, it is a lying little **** .” But I used to believe in all of that.

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