YouTube Transcription Tim Vine Part 2

Here is the second part of the video.

“My local police chief does a talk on heroin; so you can’t understand any of it.”
There is a double meaning of “on heroin” – at first we think it means that the subject of the talk is “heroin”, but we realise that “on heroin” could mean that the police chief is taking heroin. For example, “You shouldn’t drive on medication”, and so the police chief shouldn’t give a talk on heroin.
1:28 “So, I went to the cinema. I saw a very sad film. The bloke behind me suddenly started wailing. I got hit in the back of the head with a harpoon.”
This is a play on a homophone (same pronunciation, different spelling) of “wailing” (crying loudly) and “whaling” (hunting for whales).
1:50 “This bloke said to me, ‘I’ve got the bubonic plague’. I said, ‘Don’t give me that!'”
The expression “Don’t give me that” means “I don’t believe you,” but there is another meaning in which transmitting a virus from one person to another person is ‘giving’ the virus. For example, “My sister gave me this cold”.
1:56 “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you. I’ll leave you with this… erm, I didn’t bring it with me”.
When someone says, “I’ll leave you with this,” it means one final statement or message, but in this case he meant that he would not take the microphone stand when he leaves.