English Comedy #2 Alan Partridge

Comedian Steve Coogan created the character Alan Partridge in 1991, and has been playing him since then. Partridge is a TV/radio presenter who always thinks he is more popular and more talented than is actually true. He so often says inappropriate things but doesn’t notice and doesn’t learn from them.

Alan: Now, mention our American cousins, and most people think “weaponry”, “donuts”, “racism” and “brown paper shopping bags with no handles”. What’s all that about?(terrible American accent)
Jenny: Oh dear, I thought you were having a stroke there! But there’s much more to America than that. Time for “New-SA”, our first regular update on the state of The States. We’re joined by our very own Ruth Dougan for a segment as American as “Mom’s apple pie”.
Alan: I thought you were having a stroke.
Jenny: Who doesn’t love mum’s apple pie?
Alan: I’m sure I would, I’ve met your mum but I imagine a kind of Nanette Newman type: crimping crusts and cutting out love hearts from the excess pastry, to plonk on the top of the pie lid.
Jenny: Something like that. What about your mum?
Alan: Well I love my my mum but I have to say she made bad pies. And even though she loved me, she managed to make a pie without putting any love into it whatsoever. So, yeah, just, you know, chopped apples, pastry, lots of brown sugar… but, as I say, no love. Er, but Ruth, I bet you loved your mum’s apple pie! … First up, police raid a house in Cleveland and find four dead men in a septic tank. Not the kind of story anyone likes.
Ruth: I do actually, I love anything like that!
Alan: Right.
Ruth: Absolutely delicious!
Alan: Right, you mean the apple pie! I’m the same, though, Ruth. all the pastry turns into a fat back!
Ruth: Well, quite. It’s been described as a truly gruesome sight. A vision of hell. Dismembered limbs…
Alan: Oh right, you… I think you’ve got a bit of a delay on the line.
Ruth: I’ve got a delay on the line.
Alan: Copy cat!
Ruth: I’ll just try to soldier on as best… sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.
Alan: It’s all right, I was just saying the same thing as you said.
Ruth: I should just try and push on and assume that you can hear… yeah, go ahead Alan.
Alan: No, you go ahead.
Ruth: Shall I continue? / Alan: You go ahead.
Ruth: So, I’ll talk? / Alan: You go ahead.
Ruth: I didn’t quite… / Alan: You go ahead.
Alan: It’s like trying to have a chat on a webcam with someone in the Philippines… or bloody anywhere in the world!
Ruth: Yes, er… sorry, after you.
Alan: Ruth, stop talking. We’re starting again, nod when you get this.
Alan: Now, Ruth, hello!
Ruth: Hello.
Alan: Good. Do you like your mum’s apple pie?
Ruth: Yes.
Alan: I believe the police have found the remains of four dead men in a house in Cleveland.
Ruth: Yes, that’s right.
Alan: Well, tell us about it and give us a long answer so that we don’t have to keep going back and forth!
Ruth: Now?
Alan: Yes, now! I should knock on the side of your box!
Ruth: Well, as I said, it’s a gruesome discovery, and while the identities of the men haven’t been conf… sorry, the side of my box?
Ruth: The owner of the house has been named locally as 51-year-old Brian Crilley, now the subject of a full-scale manhunt.
Jenny: Well, Ruth, I think we’ll leave it there for today. Thank you.
Ruth: You’re welcome, Jenny.
Jenny: I’ll let you go and enjoy the sunshine.
Ruth: Too hot for me, I’m afraid.
Jenny: Are you back with us next week?
Ruth: The week after.
Jenny: See you then.
Ruth: Bye-bye.
Jenny: Ruth Dougan there, and apologies if there were any technical glitches. I think we got it sorted out in the end.