OFAH: Chandelier

Del manages to convince a member of the aristocracy that he is a professional chandelier cleaner, and then is asked to work on the chandeliers in an old country mansion while the Lord is away.

Del
Righto (Alright), Grandad, you pop (quickly go) upstairs and get the floorboards up! Now you know what you’re doing don’t you?

Grandad
Don’t you worry Del, leave it to me.

Del
Oh he’s a craftsman! Oi, Grandad, d’you want a jemmy (special tool)!

Grandad
No I had one before we left. (mistaken “jemmy” for “jimmy”, London cockney slang for going to the toilet)

Wallace (butler)
Why does he have to remove the floorboards?

Del
What is this, the “International Year of the Wally (fool)-Brain” or something? Listen, my good man, how do you think that great big heavy chandelier stays up there on that ceiling, eh? It is not by the power of prayer or double-sided sticky tape! There is a long threaded bolt through that chandelier, it goes through a wooden joist and is held in position by a locking nut. Now in order to undo the locking nut you must first lift up the floorboards! Ordre du jour!

Wallace
We learn something new every day. If you need me I shall be round at the garages.

Del
Right. Here, while yer (you’re) there give the van a wash, will you. Ah, talking of wally-brains… Come on. Here – watch it!

Rodney
I mean this is terrific innit (isn’t it). His lordship’s nowhere to be seen and now even the butler’s having a moody (in a bad mood)! D’you reckon we’re gonna get paid?

Del
Look, his lordship is away on holiday, he’ll pay us when he gets back! Now come on, get these ladders up. Yeah, you never know, we might be in for a bonus.

Rodney
Oh yeah, perhaps he might bring us back a nice stick of rock each, eh?

Del
Well just shut up moaning will yer (you)! Oi, Grandad how you doing?

Grandad
Alright Del Boy. I’ve found it Del!

Del
Here you are. See, he’s found the nut. I told you we could trust him. Right come on get this out.

Grandad
I’ve started to undo it.

Del and Rodney
No!

Del
Gordon Bennett, we ain’t even up the ladders yet!

Rodney
Grandad, don’t you touch nuffink (nothing) till we tell you.

Del
Come on, we’d better get up there.

Del
Alright Rodders? Is there anything you want?

Rodney
Yeah, I wanna go home! This ladder’s none too safe.

Del
The ladder’s alright. Look this is the chance I’ve been waiting for. Now, don’t let me down Rodders – now don’t let me down! Alright Grandad, we’re ready! You can start undoing it now!

Grandad
It’s coming Del Boy! One more turn Del!

Del
Right. Now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself!

Del
Grandad was undoing the other chandelier!

Rodney
How can you tell?

Grandad
Alright Del Boy?

Del
Alright? What do you mean ‘alright’? Look at it!

Grandad
Did you drop it Del?

Rodney
Drop it? How could we drop it? We wasn’t (weren’t) even holding it! We were working on that one!

Grandad
Well I wish you’d said something. I was working on this one! Is it very valuable Del?

Del
No, not really! It was bleedin’ (general derisive word) priceless when it was hanging up there though!

Rodney
What’s his lordship gonna say when he finds out?

Del
Well, I think I can safely say that my invitation to the hunt ball has gone for a Burton (disappeared)!

Wallace
It’s broken!

Del
Look, what the hell do you know about chandeliers anyway?

Rodney
I think he’s tumbled (figured it out, understood the truth), Del!

Wallace
I shall telephone his lordship at his cottage immediately!

Del
Yeah, well, tell him to phone us at home. Oh, by the way, has his lordship got our home address and telephone number?

Wallace
No!

Del
Good! Right, out of ere (here). Go on.