OFAH: Coffee or Gravy?
In this scene Del and Rodney are both married, and Del has a son, Damien. They are entertaining Del’s wife’s parents, who are rather upper class in comparison to the Trotter family, and so they are keen to impress them.
Del: We’ll have another bottle of wine. What are you doing?
Albert: I’ve made the coffee.
Del: What do you mean, you made the coffee? It’s too early. They haven’t finished their mains yet! mains=main course
Albert: It don’t usually take us that long to finish our dinner, does it? don’t =doesn’t
Del: I know that. That’s because we’re not galloping down a Big Mac and chips, are we? We’ve got guests, we’re taking our time, we’re savouring the food and the ambience, we’re sipping the wine and we’re conversing. I mean, out there, they’re having a chat between each mouthful. It’s sophisticated, it’s civilised. OK, don’t worry. I’ll whack this in the microwave. Oi! Just a minute. What coffee did you make this with? whack=hit
Albert: That jar over there.
Del: This ain’t coffee, smell it! It’s bloody gravy! ain’t=isn’t
Albert: Yeah, that’s gravy. It’s not my fault, it’s them jars! Look at ‘em! How am I supposed to tell the difference?
Del: I’ll tell you how to tell the difference! This one has on the label “Maxwell House Coffee”. On this label says “Oxo Gravy Granules”! That’s a bit of a giveaway, innit? them=those ‘em=them
Albert: Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.
Del: I’ll mix you up in a minute. Wait a minute. If you’ve made gravy in the coffee pot… what are they pouring over their dinners in there?
Raquel’s Father: This looks lovely darling.
Raquel: Thank you.
Raquel’s Mother: Wonderful.
Del: Cushty. They’re only doing it. They’re only out there doing it now! They’re pouring Maxwell bleedin’ House over their lamb noisettes and veg. I don’t believe you! Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier and battleship that you ever sailed on, but now you’ve gone and knackered the gravy boat! What are we gonna do? Cushty=Great only=actually (said incredulously) knackered=destroyed gravy boat=pot for pouring gravy from
Albert: Well, I ain’t having any of it!
Raquel: Not yet, darling, wait for Daddy.
Raquel’s Father: So, how long were you in the navy, Albert?
Albert: Over 50 years, man and boy. Started in the merchant, went on to the Royal back to the merchant.
Raquel’s Mother: Amazing. You must have some stories to tell.
Rodney: Oh God, yes.
Del: Sorry about that, couldn’t get the cork out of the wine.
Del: No! No, thank you. I’m trying to give it up.
Albert: Not for me, dear.
Del: Oh yes, you’ll have some! You know how you like your gravy, don’t ya? You git! ya=you git=general term of insult
Raquel’s Father: Are you a naval man, Derek?
Del: No. No James, I’m more of a leg man myself. a leg man=a man who is attracted to women’s legs
Raquel: No, Dad meant were you in the navy?
Del: Oh, I see! No, I wasn’t actually, James. Though when I was younger I did consider a career in the services.
Raquel: Everything alright, Mum?
Damien: This is horrible!
Raquel’s Father: I hope you won’t be offended, darling, but I’m rather full up.
Rodney: Same here. Same here=me, too.
Del: No, no, come on, we’ve got afters to come yet. We’ve got mandarin segments and Instant Whip! afters =dessert Instant Whip=a very cheap brand of quick-make dessert
Raquel: Alright. Well, I’ll fetch the coffee.