Opposites?

This is a funny article first published in The New Yorker in 1994. It contains many words with missing prefixes (like “un”, “dis”, “in” etc.) in an attempt to make the opposite meanings. For example, if you cut the prefix “un” from the word “uninteresting”, you get the opposite, “interesting”. However, this doesn’t work for every word, as many words have no meaning, or an unrelated meaning, without the prefix. This makes the article funny, because we can imagine what the writer wanted to say.

It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate. I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way. I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I’d have to make bones about it, since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn’t be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behavior would do. Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion. So I decided not to rush it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of. So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings. Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory char- acter who was up to some good. She told me who she was. “What a perfect nomer,” I said, advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.

Here it is again with the words pointed out:
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant (nonchalant), despite my efforts to appear gruntled (disgruntled) and consolate (disconsolate). I was furling (unfurling) my wieldy (unwieldy) umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript (nondescript) person, a woman in a state of total array (in a state of total disarray). Her hair was kempt (unkempt), her clothing shevelled (dishevelled), and she moved in a gainly (ungainly) way. I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I’d have to make bones about it (make no bones about it), since I was travelling cognito (incognito). Beknownst (unbeknownst) to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of (could see neither hide nor hair of), was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose (it would be no skin off my nose) if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty (unswerving loyalty) to her, my manners couldn’t be peccable (impeccable). Only toward (untoward) and heard-of (unheard-of) behavior would do. Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate (immaculate) appearance might cause was evitable (inevitable). There were two ways about it (There were no two ways about it), but the chances that someone as flappable (unflappable) as I would be ept (inept) enough to become persona grata or sung hero (unsung hero) were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at (nothing to sneeze at), someone you could easily hold a candle to (you couldn’t easily hold a candle to), someone who usually aroused bridled (unbridled) passion. So I decided not to rush it. But then, all at once, for some apparent(unapparent) reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of (could make neither heads nor tails of). So, after a terminable (an interminable) delay, I acted with mitigated (unmitigated) gall and made my way through the ruly (unruly) crowd with strong givings (misgivings). Nevertheless, since this was all new hat (old hat) to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu (an impromptu) speech, I was petuous (impetuous). She responded well, and I was mayed (dismayed) that she considered me a savory (an unsavory) character who was up to some good (up to no good). She told me who she was. “What a perfect nomer (misnomer),” I said, advertently (inadvertently). The conversation became more and more choate (inchoate), and we spoke at length to much avail (to no avail). But I was defatigable (fatigable), so I had to leave at a godly hour (an ungodly hour). I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal (noncommittal). We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited (unrequited) it.

Explanation of expressions (individual words you can look up in a dictionary!):

in a state of total disarray- disorganised, very untidy
make no bones about it – to speak very directly, frankly
could see neither hide nor hair of – can’t find, can’t see something at all
it would be no skin off my nose – no problem for me, I don’t care about it
unswerving loyalty – absolute loyalty
There were no two ways about it – definitely, unquestionably
unsung hero – a hero/good person who has not been noticed/recognised as such
nothing to sneeze at – not bad, worthwhile
you couldn’t easily hold a candle to – uncomparable, nothing is as good as/ as beautiful as
could make neither heads nor tails of – couldn’t understand/comprehend
old hat – very familiar, easy due to being familiar, old fashioned
up to no good – bad intention, mischievous
to no avail – useless, a waste of time, unsuccessful
an ungodly hour – an unsociable time, usually meaning late at night