Right Said Fred

In 1962 comedian Bernard Cribbins recorded a comedy song containing lyrics telling a story about an unknown object, referred to only as “it”. He and “Fred” are trying to move “it” into a room in the house but “it” is big, heavy, and cumbersome. An animation was later made showing “it” to be an old-style upright piano. I think it was more fun to never see what “it” was!
They make many efforts to move the item but are unsuccessful. Each time they need to rethink, they stop to have a cup of tea – like a stereotypical English workman.
(By the way, many years later there was a pop group called “Right Said Fred”. They have no connection; they just stole the title.)

A London dialect is used here:
the word “were” is always replaced with “was”.
On gerunds, the final “g” is always unspoken (strainin’ = straining).
A “mo” means a “moment”.
“Right-o” means “Alright”, “Okay”.
A “so-and-so” and a “blighter” are nouns given to something or somebody that is very troublesome. Eg, “He is such a so-and-so.”
“Gonna” means “going to”.
A “cuppa tea” means a “cup of tea”.
His “dome” means his “head”
The double negative is used: “You’ll never get nowhere,” means “You’ll never get anywhere.”

Right Said Fred

Performed by Bernard Cribbins
Songwriters: Ted Dicks / Myles Rudge

“Right,” said Fred, “Both of us together
One each end and steady as we go.”
Tried to shift it, couldn′t even lift it

We was getting nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and

“Right,” said Fred, “Give a shout for Charlie.”
Up comes Charlie from the floor below
After strainin’, heavin′ and complainin’
We was getting nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea

And Charlie had a think, and he thought we ought to take off all the handles
And the things wot held the candles
But it did no good, well I never thought it would

“All right,” said Fred, “Have to take the feet off
To get them feet off wouldn’t take a mo”
Took its feet off, even took the seat off
Should have got us somewhere but no!
So Fred said, “Let′s have another cuppa tea”
And we said, “right-o.”

“Alright,” said Fred, “Have to take the door off
Need more space to shift the so-and-so.”
Had bad twinges taking off the hinges
And it got us nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and

“Right,” said Fred, “Have to take the wall down
That there wall is gonna have to go.”
Took the wall down, even with it all down
We was getting nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea

And Charlie had a think, and he said, “Look, Fred
I′ve got a sort of feelin’
If we remove the ceiling
With a rope or two we could drop the blighter through.”

“All right,” said Fred, climbing up a ladder
With his crowbar gave a mighty blow
Was he in trouble, half a ton of rubble landed on the top of his dome
So Charlie and me had another cuppa tea
And then we went home

I said to Charlie, “We′ll just have to leave it
Standing on the landing, that’s all
You see the trouble with Fred is, he′s too hasty
You’ll never get nowhere if you′re too hasty.”