YouTube Transcription #72 Monty Python
Counsellor: Ah, Mr. Anchovy. Do sit down.
Mr. Anchovy: Thanks you. Take the weight off the feet, eh? Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say.
Counsellor: Enough of this gay banter. And now, Mr. Anchovy, you asked us to advice us which job in life you were best suited for.
Anchovy: That is correct, yes.
Counsellor: Well I now have the results here of the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week, and from them we’ve built up a pretty clear picture of the sort of person that you are. And I think I can say without fear of contradiction that the ideal job for you is chartered accountancy.
Anchovy: But I am a chartered accountant.
Counsellor: Jolly good. Well, back to the office with you then.
Anchovy: No, no! You don’t understand. I’ve been a chartered accountant for the last twenty years. I want a new job; something exciting, that will let me live!
Counsellor: Well, chartered accountancy is rather exciting, isn’t it?
Anchovy: Exciting? NO, it’s not! It’s dull, dull, dull! My god it’s dull! It’s so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and desperately dull!
Counsellor: Well, er yes, Mr. Anchovy, but your report here says that you are an extremely dull person. You see, our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful. And, er, whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they’re a positive boon.
Anchovy: don’t you see I came here to find a new job? A new life. A new meaning to my existence. Can’t you help me?
Counsellor: Well, do you have any idea of what you want to do?
Anchovy: Yes, yes I have…
Anchovy: Lion taming!
Counsellor: Yes, yes. Of course, it’s a bit of a jump, isn’t it? I mean chartered accountancy to lion taming in one go. You don’t think it might be better if you worked your way towards lion taming, say via banking or…
Anchovy: No! No, no, no,b no, no! I don’t want to wait. At nine o’clock tomorrow I want to be in there, taming.
Counsellor: Do you… do you have any qualifications?
Anchovy: Yes, I’ve got a hat.
Counsellor: A hat?
Anchovy: Yes, a hat, a lion-taming hat, a hat with “Lion Tamer” on it. I got it in Harrods. And it lights up, saying “Lion Tamer” in great big neon letters. so you can tame them after dark when they’re less stroppy.
Counsellor: I see, I see.
Anchovy: And you can claim reasonable wear and tear – switch it off during the daytime and claim reasonable wear and tear as allowable professional expenses under paragraph 235B…
Counsellor: Yes, yes, yes I do follow the strategy, but the snag is if I now call Mr. Chipperfield and say to him, “Look here. I’ve got a forty-five-year-old chartered accountant with me that wants to become a lion tamer,” his first question is not going to be, “Do he have his own hat?” He’s going to ask what sort of experience you’ve had with lions.
Anchovy: Well, I’ve seen them at the zoo.
Counsellor: Good, good, good…
Anchovy: Yes, they’re brown furry things with short, stumpy legs and great long noses. I don’t know what the fuss is about. I could tame one of those. They look pretty tame to start with.
Counsellor: And these lions – how high are they?
Anchovy: Well, they’re about so high, you know. They don’t frighten me at all!
Counsellor: Really? And, er, do these lions eat ants?
Anchovy: Yes, that’s right.
Counsellor: Well, Mr. Anchovy, I’m afraid what you’ve got hold of there is an anteater.
Anchovy: A what?
Counsellor: An anteater, not a lion. You see, a lion is a huge, savage beast about 5ft high, 10ft long, weighing about 400 pounds, running at 40 miles an hour, with masses of sharp, pointed teeth, and nasty, long, razor-sharp claws that could rip your belly open before you could say “Eric Robinson”, and they look like this…
Time enough, I think for a piece of wood…
Voice-over: The larch.
Counsellor: Now, shall I call Mr. Chipperfield?
Anchovy: No! No, no, no! I think your idea of making the transition to lion taming via easy stages, say via insurance…
Counsellor: Or banking.
Anchovy: Banking, banking! Yes, banking. That’s a man’s life, isn’t it? Banking! Travel, excitement, adventure,, thrill, decisions affecting people’s lives.
Counsellor: Jolly good! Well, shall I put you in touch with a bank?
Anchovy: No, no, no. Look, er, big decision. I’d like just a couple of weeks to think about it. You know, I don’t want to jump into it too quickly. Maybe three weeks; I’ll know definitely then. I just don’t want to make this type of decision…
Counsellor: Well, this is just one of the all-too-many cases on our books of chartered accountancy. The only way that we can fight this terrible, debilitating social disease is by informing the general public of its consequences, by showing young people that it’s just not worth it. So please give generously to this address…
gay banter – light smalltalk
with you – The pattern “(verb) with you” is used as an order or perhaps a joke order. For example, “Off with you!” means “Go away.”
stuffy – In this case it means officious, formal, unfriendly
spineless – means cowardly, though it really means to have no spine, ie a back bone – the symbol of strength.
one go – means “at one time”
say – means “for example”
Mr. Chipperfield – Britain’s most famous circus is Chipperfield’s, named after the founder, Mr. Chipperfield
I don’t know what the fuss is about. – This means that most people consider this to be difficult, but I don’t.
what you’ve got hold of there – This means “The topic you are talking/thinking about”, and is usually used to point out a mistaken concept.
before you could say – This expression means “very quickly”. For example, “When the clock reached 5pm, he was out of the office before you could say ‘workaholic.'” The choice of word in quotation marks is unimportant, but it is often a sarcastic word.
Time enough, I think for a piece of wood… Voice-over: The larch. – I have no idea at all why he said this! However, Monty Python were famous for surreal, seemingly meaningless interludes in their comedy.
it’s just not worth it – This is a way of saying “Don’t do it, because it is a waste of your time/effort/money.”